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I got delayed on posting the last entry due to D-land updates- I was unable to post at the time. Looks like Andrew has it together again since it posted fine. Now we move on.

I admit it, I'm depressed. I am tired of being the beast of burden for so many people. I'm emotionally exhausted. I do it all day long at work, as is part of my job. Though it seems I am also the responsible party when it comes to being the receptical for all others to dump their concerns into. There's something about my personality that draws people to the assumption that I am the one to bring things to.

Friend who had the stroke is also on what might be his downward spiral healthwise- he was extremely tired last visit. His landlord "friend" has evicted him and he says that if he doesn't get his stuff out by a certain date it "all goes to the dump". I'm not sure if he's being overdramatic about the dump part at this point. His emotions tend to go up and down quite a bit. Either way, that's still a timeline. Months ago he tasked me with finding his cat a home upon his death- now there's a clear timeline here as well due to the aforementioned eviction. He's been argumentative with me about that too. I think I've found his cat, who is semi-feral so he needs special circumstances, a good home as a barn cat with a family. He went as far as to request that one of the family come to the nursing home to talk to him before he'd "approve" of the adoption. I totally understand his desire to know where his cat is going and that he'll be cared for, I'd likely be the same way, but he's going to have to trust me on this one. I am absolutely not going to put a generous person through a bunch of hoops. He says that's what he would do, but I have a hard time believing him since up until his stroke/heartattack in January I hadn't seen him AT ALL since we worked together in the early 2000s and he'd rarely communicate with me and sometimes completely disappear meaning he had no phone (I used to call him the disappearing man). I'm also apparently the only one that would agree to scatter his ashes when he passes, he has some very specific requests about that as well, as to where. That will require me to pick up the cremains, research and seek permitting and driving there and etc. These are things weighing very heavily on my mind. I guess I could also be partially in mourning, watching a person, while not particularly close to him, pass away. A person who has very few people visiting him or caring about where he is and what he's going through. Like I said above, before his stroke I could hardly consider him a true friend, we worked together, and he's kind and interesting, but because of his frequency of contact I never really considered him a friend. Since this all happened and I was one of the first he texted to advise (while waiting for the ambulance even) I didn't feel it was right to stop visiting since really only 1 other person is now on a regular basis. I'm sad that he has no one else.

I'm also sad, that it could be me, my future that I'm looking at. Dying alone in a nursing home. As time goes on I feel like that is indeed my fate. People abandon you when you need them. I know he has had closer friends than myself, but apparently they've all proven fair weathered. Though I would open a vein for my friends, I have now been made to doubt their devotion to me. Plus the fact that some of my most treasured friends are 20-30 years my senior they will not likely be around to witness my demise unless something takes me before a "natural" lifespan. Bottom line, rightly or wrongly, I have a very heavy feeling of being alone in the world.

Thinking I needed time with a postive influence.....Another friend I recently had dinner with has a brother who is dying of cancer. She also has a daughter who is not speaking with her and is keeping her only grandchild from her. Her husband has been diagnosed with a treatable cancer but is currently refusing to do anything about it. While she has a sunnier way of dealing with her issues, I know it's all effecting her as a couple of times I saw that she was close to tears.

Lover isn't meeting my communication needs at ALL. I don't have much to say about him right now other than he makes me sad.

I made a pretty grave accounting error. Last entry I mentioned it was vacation time. I had planned a very lovely, very needed trip to the coast, staying in a beautiful Victorian across the street from the ocean. Sadly, due to the massive error I had to cancel that trip. So I ended up staying home. The accounting error was quite a blow to my mojo and caused my first ever in my life, overdraft fees which put me in a hole. I didn't get a chance to do much exciting. I did build 2 faerie gardens, so if I were going to say something good has happened, that would but one of 2 things.

I was at least able to pay off my car.

There are other good things in my life but right now I don't have the attitude to dig for them.

I haven't been sleeping good. My mind won't shut up. Yesterday I had to take a Benadryl to make me sleep because the day before I got 7 hours, but it was split when I woke up in the middle of that for about an hour. I keep having shitty dreams. I am at work and I took my meal period and had to force myself to eat the fruit in it at least instead of anything else in there (like my sandwich). I went out on the balcony of our breakroom and had a good cry. I've been trying to keep it together at my desk, people are being assholes on the phone tonight so that's not helping me. One of my co-workers had given me a bag of licorice, I've eaten some of that, sugar is the food with which I feed my depression.

It's time to go back to counselling to get some of this sorted out, but the irony right now is my 3 days off are so full, I don't even have time. Day off number 1 is typically taken over by having to sleep because of graveyard shift, day 2 is having to drive 45 mins to see stroke friend, which then usually includes a trip to the parent's house to pick up mail and this takes most of my day, and day 3 I have to spend around home running MY errands and cleaning my house, getting ready for my work week. I'm a hot mess right now.

Entered: 2018-07-15

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