...shut up and eat.
Menu du jour:
Waiting In Bread Lines
Sometimes I wish I could stop thinking. Take the needle off the record player so-to-speak.
The day was ok. I got up early. Fed the animals. Got ready and took Wicked out for his drive. I stopped for gas at the end and he did his thing- wouldn't start. I know it's an electrical problem and I suspected a wire- though I'm sure it's not the main problem. So I popped the hood and messed with that wire and he started right up again. I made a mental note to re-splice and tape that wire back together later this evening. I did manage to accomplish that.
I was supposed to go to lunch with an old co-worker and that didn't end up working out in the end. Which, to be perfectly honest, was ok- I don't have money anyway. I stayed home the rest of the day. My sister and her husband were in and out enough to give me some time to myself. So that was nice.
But there was just a tinge of major melancholy to me today. Not being content with life at the moment.
My sister and her husband want to move. That's really, really bad timing considering I have no $$ for a deposit. I can't even really afford an increase in my rent payment. They also keep picking places that are way, way too far away from where we're at now. I say we can survive where we are very nicely for at least another 9 months (my nephew would be 1 yr old by then and would be reasonable for him to have his own room). That would give me the chance to pay down and hopefully off some of my bills and afford a higher rent.
I miss having somebody around. I miss caring about someone. Granted I care a lot about AZ but I have to be guarded and tethered about my feelings for him. As time goes on, I'm trying to convince myself that there's nothing there to hang on to anyway- I'm just misdirecting my potential at someone who doesn't want my love. That thought makes things worse for my suffering self-esteem.
As time goes on Sway's cysts get bigger and others keep appearing. I hear labored breathing coming from the rattie condo from time to time and I worry. I started her back on metacam the anti-inflammatory/pain killer- to see if that makes her more comfortable. This is to say nothing of the problems with the ratties at work that I face.
I've made it extremely clear here that I loathe my job. This last week only amplified things for me. I've gotten no responses of course from any of the jobs I've applied for. Yay.
I guess most of all I'm lonely. Spending time with my family sunday reminds me of how much I can't relate to, nor confide in any of them. My friends, as much as I love them- I've just never been able to burden them with my problems- not that they have that same problem with me.
I guess I just feel like I need to keep things to myself. That if I did confide in someone they'd just say the usual, silly, extremely unhelpful things like, "things will get better" etc, etc. It's not really what I need right now. All I want to do when people say things like that is counter them with a negative comment. That does neither of us any good.
I spend most of my time alone. I am the loner type, but even we want quality company from time to time.
I keep wondering when it's my turn. I keep wondering if I've missed my turn.
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Notes
I like my men how I like my coffee...in a plastic cup.
Muffins baked since 11-14-03:
Legos
