...shut up and eat.
Menu du jour:
Even If This Is Hard, I Am Blessed.
When it comes to this, I'm not very strong at all.
So we're on a count down here of sorts. Appointment. Thursday morning, 8am. The more I think about it, the earlier it seems. Panic grips me. I don't want to have to make the decision to put Slink down. I want her to tell me. I don't even know if I can accept the answer from the vet (likely she'll have no opinion for a number of reasons, which is frustrating. I hate the "it's up to you" answer from people when you're asking for help in making any decision).
The only things I've noticed changing in her, is that she's taking up to two syringes full of Ensure per sitting. She might take more if I forced her to, but she dribbles some it towards the end there. Which is a huge change from just a few measurements from one syringe, and dribbling most of it. She also seems to be breathing a little less heavy, a little less labored. I'm not sure how much of that is me wanting to believe it, or if it's really the case. She might even have gained just a little weight back. Just a little.
With just those signs, it makes me want to keep trying, to ask the vet tomorrow what else we can do. I know I'm going to. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to give up. I still have hope. Even if it is only just making her comfortable until she passes naturally. My spirit doesn't want to release her just yet.....
.....and so I don't know what the right thing to do is. I hope the vet tells me straight what needs to be done- either way. I hope what she says makes sense. I need answers that I'm just not getting from myself.
I don't have the strength.
On a side note, my cat, Galaxie is one of the most amazing animals to ever grace my life. She has always been extremely curious about the rats, and sometimes bats at Switch when she gets close enough to the bottom of the cage where Galaxie can reach- Switch reaches right back. It seems almost like they're playing games with each other- but I always tell Galaxie "no". But lately, when I get Slink out to medicate and feed her, Galaxie gets on the bed with me, Slink on my lap, and she watches me. She sniffs Slink very gently, like she would the foster kittens. I tell her to be nice. She sits with one paw on my thigh and her her head rests there too, and she watches.
I am truly blessed to have such amazing animals in my life. I can only hope they feel a fraction of that about me.
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I like my men how I like my coffee...in a plastic cup.
Muffins baked since 11-14-03:
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