...shut up and eat.
Menu du jour:
Rivers Flow & Part
2nd time loser.
It's not the first time Arizona has thrown me for a loop. It happened when I went there in August too. I was ok with our "friends with benefits" type arrangement. I mean granted it wasn't and isn't what I want from him, but it's all I can have at the moment. It's just such an alien arrangement to me. I'm not like this. It's only because of my feelings for him that I can sleep with him.
Then he goes and throws a wrench in my machine by saying that he's confused. But when he tells me his concerns with getting involved with me, like "you don't like camping" I get even more upset. Something like that is so petty and lame that my instinct is that those reasons are not good excuses- it's just another of a hundred ways to tell me no. The fact is though, he never had to tell me no. I already got my answer after I came back the last time.
It just adds to my feelings of rejection.
I hardly feel like I even had a vacation. Granted while I was there this was hardly brought up. It's when I come back that most of this comes to light- and it just makes me regret even bothering.
What's worse is that I left here kinda sick- and got a bit sicker while I was there but thankfully still functional. However- I came back and I have yet to go back to work. I was already off Thursday, but had to call out Friday and Saturday- and I had the opportunity to go to work today but I was up coughing for the majority of the night so I didn't go in. No matter what I do I feel like crap. I drink tea like there's no tomorrow- I'm working on a bottle of my mom's "miracle juice", I've taken two types of cough medicine, theraflu, countless fruits and good for me foods and I still feel like crap. None of my usual tricks are working. I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't see myself feeling any better by then. I'll have to skip the car show for sure.
I've gotten back into studying spirituality. It has made me feel a little better about what has happened since I've gotten back. Coming back on the plane from AZ I started reading, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Wayne Dyer and it's really starting to help calm my mind. I'm not saying I didn't react really badly once Arizona and I had our discussion about where it is we stand- I cried, I was reactionary, I hated myself. But I've had so much time to think about things- having been sick- that I've accepted things again, how they stand. I have no other choice- it's nothing I can change- and if I don't accept things and move on- I will only make myself more sick, and more miserable.
So I have to think about when Arizona and I will eventually part. When our rivers will flow in opposite directions. Because I realize- or at least have to expect- that his feelings for me will never change. They haven't changed. I've known him for 3 years. It's just not meant to be. But then I'm also learning that if I go with the flow, life will tell me when it's time.
Dr. Dyer says that we have to remember that endings, no matter how painful, are often disguised- that they actually beginnings. Part of the cycle of life, and that I should remember and repeat to myself that "This too shall pass".
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I like my men how I like my coffee...in a plastic cup.
Muffins baked since 11-14-03:
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