...shut up and eat.

Menu du jour:
I'm Stupid.

I'm seriously contemplating a complete disconnect from the world. I wish I had some vacation time with which to do this but sadly it may need to be in conjunction with a continuing work-life.

Lover has reacted badly to a completely innocent lunch meet. I made friends with an officer at my new place of work. There is absolutely ZERO attraction on my end, it has been made clear to the officer I am not interested, even prior to the lunch, that I would like to only be friends- to which he said cool, that's fine with me. Many of my true friendships- that NEVER went past a line- have started this way. I have to get along with my new people and I've been already feeling out of place, I thought it would be nice to have an ally. I TOLD Lover about it, when and why I was going as part of normal conversation. He seemed to be fine with it, knew about it for at least a whole 24+ hours. But then he had started to say "you know if you find someone it's ok, you're awesome and I don't want you to miss out on something because of me, I want you to be happy." He's said this before, to which I always reply, QUIT trying to give me away, I wasn't looking before you, and I wouldn't look after you, I am SIMPLY not interested in relationships with other people. I told him if he honestly felt he was easily replaced that's stupid, that frankly, and honestly in my world, he is the KING. I am loyal to only him, that he is special to me, that I've made allowances (um hello, mr. married) that I wouldn't have EVER made in my life before him, because there's something about HIM, that I can't get away from. He seemed ok after that conversation. He seemed ok this morning when he came over to bring me a small shovel for the beach tomorrow, and even in most of our texting through the day, before, during and after my lunch (which by the way was nice, about what I expected, and even if I WAS in the market certainly NOT worth throwing my relationship with Loverby any means).

By evening he went a complete 180 on me, kept texting "date" periodically in the text conversation and I kept telling him not to call it that because that is NOT what it was and my last text on the subject was "Stop, please?". He didn't call on his way home like he usually did. Which if he was upset would have been a good time to talk about it. I texted to ask if he was off, he said yea he was home. I returned "you didn't call?" To which he replies that he was "spinning" and didn't want to talk. The gist of the rest of it I gather, since he now won't communicate with me, is basically due to something that happened in his past with the gal he actually left his wife for (and I've NEVER asked him, nor wanted him to leave her). Apparently she did some shitty things behind his back. He said in text he didn't want to talk because he had to sort some things out and that if he did he wouldn't be nice.

Won't be nice to ME? What did I do? I went to lunch with a potential friend. IF he was uncomfortable with it, why didn't he say something? I wouldn't have gone, it wouldn't have been worth it to me to upset him. We'd have to talk more about it, yes, because eventually I'm going to make friends with people, and I'm a trustworthy human being. I would have talked his ear off until we worked it out and yeah, I'd still go with this same guy if I wanted, to prove that I had no mal intent- I have to work with him, and, it would be nice to have an ally in a place I still feel really not so great about. I feel like a fish out of water, and I am truly having a hard time breathing.

He's jealous. I know that. And I'm not completely unaware of the fact that this isn't unusual for someone who is technically a cheater, thinking that everyone else is too. Also, not unaware of the fact that when one has been cheated ON as he was apparently, you ALSO tend to apply that to EVERYONE else after the cheater. These facts of human behavior are not lost on me. What comes out of his mouth "it's ok if you find someone" is not what he really feels. He might want to, to be logical because if you look at our situation objectively it WOULD be the fair thing to say, but that's not how the human psyche works.

How is this fair to me from his point of view? I don't think he cares to see it from my point of view right now. He's being selfish. Let's look at my end of it now:
1. I can't talk to him when *I* want to talk to him, because of his situation. Some of my texts don't get answered for hours. He can run home pissed off at me for a stupid reason and COMPLETELY avoid talking about it because I can't/won't call him at home. During good times, like I said, my texts can wait hours, but when he texts me, he gets replies within minutes.

2. He's MARRIED. Goes home to a wife (and kids) every night. Not my fault their relationship sucks, but here I sit, by myself. I got my own jealousy issues to work through. I see him recently- once, twice a month. Not the 4-8 times I used to. He very well could be doing more with his wife than he says. I don't really get that impression but he could be, and just that possibility can make anyone a little weary, and it does to me, sometimes. It wouldn't be fair for me to EXPECT nothing to happen with his wife. I JUST DON'T ASK. And this is an ongoing situation, not a "one time lunch". But I don't bring it up, this was an obvious thing from the very beginning that I'd have to be aware of when we started this relationship. So I have no right to complain as I went in eyes wide open. I don't. I've never brought it up to him. It bothers me at times, and I do my best to work through it.

3. Friends are always available, we're not trying to hide anything. There are no secrets. Friends keep me afloat. When I was truly solo, they were pretty much my reason for living, and they still are. Because if Lover leaves me, they will still be there to pick up the pieces (though I won't be able to tell anyone but DD about why I'm so sad since no one else knows).

4. The irony is that when I've said things before about people in my past he would get offended if there was any HINT that I might be applying their offense to him, and say something like "I am NOT that person, so don't compare me to him". I had to throw that back at him tonight.

...I think he's going to leave me. That makes me sad. It's going to devastate me, because I will find myself AGAIN dumped for an unknown reason. Because it WON'T be because I did ANYTHING WRONG. Diary, I can lay it all out here, because no one else cares here, I can be as brutally honest as I want to be. I am anonymous here. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION OF PURSUING ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, and this guy I had lunch with, NOT intereted, AT ALL. LOVER, has been the most interesting man I've come across in my lifetime (as far as romantic interests have gone). And while I shouldn't have done what I have done for him, I did it because of who he is. I feel like he's a once in a lifetime. I knew going in that this was not a long term relationship, though my heart still wants to make it one. I suppose it has to end at some point, but I don't want it to end this way, it's NOT worth it. Had I thought it would have gone this direction I wouldn't have gone, up to and including cancelling at the very last minute. But he didn't say anything protesting it, he even ENCOURAGED IT, and though we talked and it was obviously a concern he seemed reassured when we discussed it, that I am truly only interested in him, and that's the end of it.

The last big text I sent him after he texted "I don't want to talk" was: "I'm loyal only to you. Might be to my detriment, but my heart, is in your hands. Please be nice to it. It's fragile, and you are the first person its trusted in so very long. I'll leave you alone now."

An hour later he texted a simple "Goodnight" not the usual "Goodnight (insert my name here) XXXO". Or "babe", "beautiful" or "sweetheart". I texted back what I would always "Goodnight (insert his name here) XXXO."

No reaction.

I'm supposed to go to the beach with my Mum and Nephew tomorrow. Technically it's almost tomorrow. It's almost midnight. I am really not going to be in the mood to go, and I'm tempted to cancel. My eyes hurt from crying. He's probably asleep. In his house. With his wife. With his kids.

I found a giant cockroach in my bathroom when I went to retrieve my tablet to type this(it wasn't in the bathroom, that was just a detour). By the time I got my Dyson it was gone. Fuck. After tomorrow if I go to the beach I'm turning off my phone if something good doesn't happen. From Thursday through my Monday. I'll put the fucker in Airplane mode and tell my family if they need to get a hold of me to text my tablet.

Dammit. Why did I have to fall in love again.

Entered: 2017-06-20

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